Kinks and Fetishes: The Science of Sexual Desire (pt.2)
Well, it’s been a while. For those of you who are long-time readers of the Teen Dispatch, and in particular, are followers of our ‘Sex Ed Chronicles’ series (cringy name, we know), you might have been waiting (or at least, we hope you were) for the second part of our previous article, which was titled ‘arousal: the science of sexual desire’. You might have already gleaned from the title what the next topic in line is going to be, but essentially, before leaving off in the last article, we had mentioned how sometimes arousal can be triggered by certain objects or actions - which is the crux of what we will be talking about today.
Kinks and fetishes: two words that, for most people, immediately paint a certain kind of image in one’s mind - leather and chains strapped to bedposts, celebrity toe sites, a basement full of locks of hair from different people collected dubiously throughout the years - you know, ‘weird’ stuff. Let’s destigmatize, shall we? First off:
What’s the difference between a kink and a fetish?
Well, according to Dr Rosara Torrisi from the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, there isn’t much - a kink is a sexual activity that an individual may like to do either with themselves (solo), or, consensually, with a partner - this activity is mostly considered outside of mainstream sexual behaviour. Your definition of ‘mainstream’ is entirely subjective though, and differs from person to person - for older generations, sex toys and role-playing during intercourse may be considered wildly kinky, while for others, it isn’t all that wild. A fetish is the same thing - except, in this case, the person concerned needs that particular activity to feel aroused. Basically: a kink is something you like to do during sex or masturbation, and a fetish is something you need to do during sex or masturbation to be aroused. Granted, though, is that for some fetishists, simply fantasizing about that particular activity is often enough to do the job.
However, we like to give our readers the full picture: there are other definitions for 'kink' and 'fetish' as well, that are just slightly different. In some sets of papers, 'kink' is considered an overall name for activities during sex that involve, "consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviours such as sadomasochism, domination and submission, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline." Yeah, that means BDSM.
In these same academic papers, the definition of a 'fetish' is generally taken as an extreme sexual fixation on a particular body part or object that usually isn't considered sexual. For example feet, hair, shoes.
Essentially, if you take these definitions, kink is activities that aren't common during sex, and a fetish is a sexual obsession with something that's not really sexual, at least in the mainstream. If ‘I like to be tied up and made to submit’, I'm kinky - but if ‘I'm weirdly fascinated with my girlfriend's ears and regularly masturbate to a picture of them’, I'm a fetishist. Are we clear?
Wait, that’s great, but how do kinks and fetishes develop?
Well, there's no exact path for each person - there are a wide variety of kinks and fetishes, mostly because there are a wide variety of people. According to Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, a sexuality counsellor since 2001, "Fetishes might simply be one element of our diversity in terms of sexual interest and arousal." Some people have even compared it to sexuality itself - that everyone has a sexual orientation with regards to gender because that's how we've defined sexual orientation - but perhaps, everyone has a sexual orientation with regards to their role in bed as well - dominant, submissive, switch or vanilla. This would suggest that most alternate sexual desires have roots pretty early on in one's life.
It's even more appropriate when you look at Samuel Hughes' model of kink and fetish identity development, which is based on the Cass model of 'coming out' (for young queer people):
Early Encounters: This stage typically takes place before the age of 10 - where an individual will feel a draw or attraction to the future kink or fetish interest, without quite understanding it, and without yet any sexual context. Examples listed are wanting to be 'caught' in a game of cops and robbers, liking to be tangled up in a skipping rope, etc.
Exploration with the Self: In this stage, which takes place anywhere between the ages of 5 and 14, the individual will seek out material sensations and fantasize, eventually giving search for erotic material leading to masturbation - only solidifying the sexual connotation of their kink/fetish.
Evaluation: This takes place along with other identity development processes, between 11 to 14, when the individual realizes that their interests aren’t exactly shared by everyone, be it that they’re a rope bunny or that they find the idea of a father figure in bed attractive. This may lead to research to try and better understand their urges.
Finding Others: This will happen any time after the evaluation stage, even as early as 11 - through the internet or magazines, even by hearsay. Usually, physical attendance at kink conventions and events doesn’t come until after the age of 18, but this is included here as well. The individual, for the first time, has someone to talk to their interests about, get advice and learn from. Considering a lot of kinks and fetishes have very specific origin stories (we’ll get into it just a bit later), this is also accompanied by feelings of kinship and belonging, which can be very helpful for the person concerned.
Exploration with Others: Only in the last stage of kink identity development does the individual graduate from messing around by themselves and starts figuring things out with other people. Interests are solidified and boundaries are defined.
However, not all kinky people and fetishists have roots of their interests appear as early as childhood, and it is not some sort of pre-determined, unchangeable trait that is written into your genetic code or something - sex and sexuality is usually a lot more fluid than people perceive it as, which means preferences develop much like palates with experience and exploration.
Hughes’ research showed that another common route of kink development is during periods of sexual unsatisfaction - when people often tend to be ‘trying out new things’, be it with a partner or without - and happen upon kinky activities that are a good sexual fit for them either by independent discovery or by imitating things they’ve seen online or have been introduced to by other long-time kink practitioners. It is also common to see many older people developing and engaging in kinks that they didn’t previously exhibit much later in life, to maintain the excitement and the sexual vitality of their younger years.
It was found that some kinky people discovered their kinks during periods of sexual unsatisfaction, as a way of spicing up their sex life - some discovered theirs during old age to feel young and vital again. For many, it is also a way of getting over past trauma and hardships (though this is a minority). People who had rocky relationships with their mother, father, or other equivalent figures, may go on to be attracted to such figures in the bedroom - survivors of assault may find a certain kind of liberation in role-playing the scene of the assault where they felt they were stripped of all autonomy, but in a controlled setting, with negotiated consent and conditions, to kind of regain control over that event in their life.
There are also many aspects of how the kinky community practices safe expression of kink - through agreed-upon ‘safe words’ or ‘gestures’ which will stop the scene in case any individual is feeling uncomfortable, overall feelings of respect towards each other and the trust that others will accept you, as well as the quintessential phenomenon of ‘aftercare’, which in kink-speak means paying extra care and attention to your kink partner after the scene is over and making sure they know that all that just transpired was just for pretend - that appeals to people on the autism spectrum. These forms of non-verbal communication are often easier for them to grasp, and to practice while feeling safe with their partners. So, kink can help people through all kinds of hardships.
Do kinks ever become a problem?
Well, yes and no. There’s a multifaceted way to look at this, and one that has been widely discussed, but it mostly springs from one question: is it ethical? Here too, however, the word isn’t uniform in meaning universally. Many believe that consent is the keystone of sexuality, and thus any sexual act that is consented to by all parties is completely ethical to practice. However, what begs to be addressed is that while consent is crucial in a sexual act, is it sufficient? Is it all that dictates the moral questionability of the act? In many ways, many kinky acts are looked down upon because of moral benchmarks prevalent in society, and not because the act itself is inherently wrong (of course, this doesn’t mean to absolve them). For example, ask yourself this: is there anything morally bad about a bathroom control kink? Not really, it’s just our socially interpreted meaning of urine as a personal and almost shameful act that prevents us from treating it as an object of sexual gratification (which, as it turns out, is one of the reasons why people enjoy it: the feeling of liberation in doing something ‘shameful’ and ‘forbidden’, but not necessarily harming anyone in any real sense).
So, is there a red line? Potentially— when people’s actual identities are involved. Racial and sexual minorities are often fetishized as kinks, and while people from these minorities (such as black people, trans people, Asian people or lesbians, per se) cannot be erased for such a kink, it is often people not a part of these communities that tend to have such a kink. It is often people who hold a higher position of privilege in society, causing a power imbalance that is non-consensual and tangibly harmful. Just like people’s identities, it is a very complex subject, especially when viewing kink and sexual activity as a way to process trauma and events in one’s life. It garners an entire article for itself, but until then, look here if you’re interested in learning more.
Age-play— a form of roleplaying where one or more partners are treated as if they’re a different age— is often misunderstood as having paedophilic connotations. For people who practice it, both in and outside the bedroom, it is an intentional exchange of power that is often centric to relationships. Stress on the word intentional, because it’s completely consensual and (as a part of the BDSM community) an adults-only scene. There doesn’t have to be any particular reason for age play, as such. While many people tend to delve into it as a coping method, there really is no ‘valid’ reason for it (for almost any sexual act, actually!) For the Prostatia Foundation, Meagan Ingerman writes, ‘The main reason I age play, frankly, is because it feels good. Slipping into my little space is like, taking your bra off and finally pouring that glass of wine at the end of a (sic.) long day.’ Somnophilia (becoming sexually aroused by someone unable to respond, typically unconscious or asleep), age play or blood play (where one or more sexual partners are deliberately cut to release blood) all sound somewhat dubious in terms of prevalent, ‘normal’ sexual practices, but are perfectly alright when all parties involved have consented. A few kinks— such as the aforementioned blood play, asphyxiation and bathroom control— can possibly be dangerous, so it’s best to have researched the topic thoroughly before actually practising it.
The bottom line remains that our view of sex is not inherent but coloured by moral norms in society. Nobody is born with a set of ethics and our views on sexual acts are often ingrained in us.