Consent
Hey there! Welcome back to our sex ed series :D Before we get into the nitty-gritty of sex and how to stay safe during it, we felt it was necessary to utilize this month’s edition to cover a very, very important topic, and one that is almost always skipped over, or not properly explained, in any formal sex education class - consent.
Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start):
What exactly is consent?
Well, the Oxford Dictionary defines consent as the ‘permission for something to happen or agreement to do something’ - Merriam-Webster says something similar, ‘compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another’. While both these definitions may suffice in certain situations, such as in a legal contract, in the context that we are discussing today, we believe they are not up to mark. To better understand the concept of consent, we have to first understand that it is not a passive action - it fully involves all parties that are affected by whatever action/decision is taking place. In an everyday context, it’s the constant respect of other people’s physical and emotional boundaries - this can play out in many different ways, such as 1) making sure that everyone is comfortable and willing before planning a group activity, 2) asking whether it’s okay before initiating any direct physical content (shaking hands, hugging, a kiss), 3) not forcing people to engage in conversation on topics that may be sensitive to them, and just generally being mindful of the fact that different people have different limits and that we shouldn’t cross them. For more examples on how to practise everyday consent, click here, here, or here.
One needs to understand that by its nature, active consent isn’t something that can be ‘given’ in advance or something that has a certain ‘period of validity’ to it. Just because someone has consented to something in the past, or you think that they would be okay with something that seems fairly reasonable to you, doesn’t mean that they would consent to it in the now - especially if it’s related to something that’s already a sensitive matter, either specifically to them, or a societal taboo topic.
Secondly, consent is always retractable. Someone may think they are okay with doing something, and initially agree to it, but realize midway that they overestimated their capacity. Now in more everyday, real-world situations, especially professional settings, there are often commitments in place already that cannot be avoided, and the only option one has is to help them through it. But in more intimate settings, say in a friend circle, or anyone you’re close to, we should recognize that further forcing the said person to go through with the activity or decision would be harmful to them, and to give them the option of an exit should they choose to withdraw.
Consent isn’t a one-size-fits-all sort of thing (in fact, that phrase in itself is problematic, but we’ll get into that in a later issue), and it really depends on a case-by-case scenario - regardless, for the sake of comprehension, we’ll show you a singular example of how you may practise consent in the context we’ve talked about till now:
Say you have a friend who isn’t fond of any physical touch, shows of affection, or intimacy from friends. This may be a result of past trauma, neuro-divergence, or just personal preference - all of these are valid reasons. Now, say that in the past, on one particular instance where one of you was in a very vulnerable emotional state, they have allowed you to briefly have direct contact - holding hands for a split-second, a light pat on the back, maybe even a full-body bear hug, who knows. Some may assume that from this point onwards, a sort of barrier has been surpassed, a new level of connection unlocked in your relationship that gives you a free pass to initiate that sort of contact with them without asking first - we often equate physical closeness to deeper emotional bonds. However this is not necessarily true - most people do not undergo dramatic changes overnight - and it is likely that your friend is still uncomfortable with touching. Whatever may have caused that brief contact doesn’t need to be a lingering factor. So, approach them in the same manner you did before. If you’re unsure about where you now stand in terms of levels of ‘okayness’ of physical contact: just ask. Have an explicit conversation about where to draw the lines. If everything is on the table from the get-go, the situation is less messy to sort out.
Remember that all this applies to you as well. Consent is not a one-way thing, so it’s equally as important that you consent to certain activities and your own boundaries are respected. We live in a society where the act of sacrificing certain things, or compromising and cutting corners for yourself is highly elevated, and rewarded in terms of social acceptance - staying quiet about inconveniences so as not to make a fuss, putting up with things to avoid a scene - this is drilled into us even as children, and even more so for girls and girl-aligned people. If you have different boundaries or limits than most people, you are seen as ‘straying from the norm’ and are ostracized for it, often called ‘weak’ for not being able to handle things other people are perfectly fine with. Or, if you reject common disruptors of consent that have been normalized for too long. We think that the faster we shed our one-dimensional views of society on all fronts, and come to realize that all people are different and cannot be held to a single uniform standard - and not just accept, but embrace it, and take each individual’s capacities into consideration, we will see a higher quality of both professional and personal relationships. For more on making your boundaries crystal clear, click here.
Hmm... Okay wait, how is this related to sex again?
Sex is an activity that can create a space for a lot of physical and emotional vulnerability - so it is essential that it is consensual, and everyone’s boundaries are respected. If we change the way we think about sex, or sexual acts, from ‘something that you do to someone/is done to you’, to ‘an action or actions that you perform along with other partners’, we may gain a mindset more adaptive to consent. This applies even in a context where one person’s pleasure is being prioritized, such as oral sex - the fact remains that all partners are equally as involved. There is a certain amount of trust and vulnerability you put into someone’s hands-on agreeing to have sex with them, and this is a two-way thing - even if you’re strangers and it’s a casual hook-up - and that trust needs to be handled with care. Reducing someone to just the function of their body parts and sexual organs misses the fact that there is a person attached to them, and people can be hurt by actions. There is no room for discussion in this case - consent during sex is an absolute necessity.
Execution (and some other stuff):
Okay, so what does consent look like?
We think one rule of thumb that everyone should go by is to always look for enthusiastic consent. Consent does NOT sound like:
“Um…”
“Maybe…”
“I guess...”
Instead what you are looking for is a clear agreement:
“Yes.”
“Go ahead.”
“Yeah, I’m okay with that.”
Always ask !! Just because someone has consented to you before doesn’t mean you still have their consent. Just because someone has performed the same sexual acts before doesn’t mean you still have their consent. And no, being in a relationship/married also doesn’t automatically imply consent - although long-term relationships do allow for more conversations to be had about what is and isn’t okay and at what times, and after some discussion/time express verbal permission may not be required each time, it’s important to understand that being romantically involved with someone doesn’t give you a right over their body. Your partner is still entitled to their right to say no.
It’s also important to watch out for non-verbal cues - as we discussed before, it’s often quite hard to assert your boundaries, having been raised in a culture that looks down on it. It’s not actually that easy to tell someone, “stop”. Pay attention to your partner(s)’s body language as well - are they being very silent, unresponsive, or flinching/moving away from physical contact? If so, ask - and make it clear that it is completely okay to say no, and that they won’t be in danger of you lashing out on them.
Also, remember that consent is retractable - no matter what stage of the activity you’re in, or how far you’ve already gone - no matter what setting it is, or if they invited you over, or you went somewhere specifically with sex in mind - if they change their mind halfway, it needs to be respected. Another thing you could do is maybe ask whether they’re okay before initiating each different level of intimacy - before you start, then again when the clothes start coming off, then before touching bare skin/genitals - and whether they still want to go through with it.
(By the way, if anyone is in a position to not give explicit consent (such as being asleep or drugged); being bullied into giving consent, it is not really consent as it strips it of its purpose - it’s dubious consent.)
Consent does get more nuanced when we dive into the kink-world but seeing as this article is getting to be quite long, and we’re not sure how much we could do that area justice by simply summarizing it in a paragraph or two, we’re going to leave it here. Essentially, we’ve learned today that consent is ongoing, direct, freely given, retractable and enthusiastic - and we’ve delved into some basic ways of practising it. One thing we’d have to say about a lot of the consent systems in BDSM culture (or at least healthy BDSM culture) is that they’re pretty versatile and can be adapted into more ‘vanilla’ sexual situations to ensure consent. Stay tuned to read more about that interesting topic (and why exactly Fifty Shades of Grey is a bad depiction of kink) in a later issue (sometime, probably - hopefully, if we don’t end up mega-procrastinating) <3