Second-guessing each step
I met my future self, one night. She walked into my room with unrecognizable clothes and an unfamiliar face. Startled, I began moving away but then something drew me to her.
We had an immediate connection and were able to talk for hours. We talked about me in the past, the present and especially the future. On one hand, I felt like we were the same person, but on the other hand, it felt like we were as different as heaven and hell. I had all these unanswered questions, but she had vanished. Was she just a hallucination? Had I met my future self? Do I have to live life just as she did? Will I even remember this tomorrow?
The next morning, I woke up on the floor curled up in my blanket. My mind didn’t know what had just happened, but I remembered every detail of last night. There was so much more I wanted to know, I needed to meet her again. And so she appeared like an angel from above. On the precipice of adulthood (Grade 12), I had so many questions about how my life would turn out. I had sent out my college applications a month ago, given my final exams, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I asked her what college I’d go to, but she only gave me a confusing smile. She said I’d go to my number one choice – my dream college – but left it at that. She said that my hard work and perfection would pay off, but that I would always have a nerve-racking feeling of regret. But sadly, I’d never know what I’d regret, and I’d never have the chance to ask her again because this time she never came back. Her words still haunt me – regret, regret for what? And this is when I started second-guessing every step I would take, for the rest of my life.
If she didn’t regret her life, her perfect future, or even her dream college, what did she regret? That’s when I got it, she had regretted being told the future. Being told that she would always feel regret, had made her miserable. This pit in her stomach, identical to mine had eaten at her. She had regretted her decisions and had become so afraid of the future - she was no longer able to just live life.
But if she couldn’t free this endless cycle of misery, neither could I. My future self would always have to tell young me about the regret I would face in the future, it was just inevitable. This numbing feeling would only end if I stopped caring, overthinking and wanting to succeed in life. I just had to choose how I wanted to spend the rest of eternity. At the end of the day, it was up to me to end the regret, even if it meant showing restraint and never meeting my past self. I held my fate in my hands. I had to choose wisely because making the wrong choice would mean falling into a hole of regret all over again.
So many ‘maybes’ and so many regrets. Our entire future is a question mark, full of horrible possibilities. Maybe it’s time to let this future be, go with the flow, maybe let the ‘maybes’ be.